Happy #NationalVelociraptorDay!
I’m not entirely sure how one celebrates this ‘holiday’ but I assume that it’s like any other social media holiday, and you can just do whatever you like so long as you use the hashtag.
My original plan was to actually do some research and learn about this fierce and terrible creature, and then write up a post telling everyone what I had learned. Probably something along the lines of, velociraptors had little to nothing in common with the horrible creatures we all trembled to watch during the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
But then I saw this . . . The Velocipastor . . .
Obviously I had to know.
I can say that I wasn’t disappointed? I can also say that this movie is a huge disappointment? Let me explain.
I usually don’t go in for summary when I’m doing reviews, but in this case I think a little bit will put things in perspective. I’ll try not to spoil any of the INTENSE PLOT (<— this is sarcasm).
Anyway, in the The Velocipastor, a priest begins to lose his faith after the death of his two parents. They’re killed by, and I kid you not, text that says “VFX of Explosion”. The other priest recommends that our main character, Doug, travel in order to find himself. “Go where you don’t think God is, and if you find him there you’ll know he’s within you.”
Doug goes to China, which we can derive from the onscreen text that says China as Doug creeps around what is probably a heavily wooded backyard. In the godless backyard of ‘China’, Doug encounters a dying ninja, and recovers a claw, which cuts him and makes him sick. He wakes up back in America with the other priest taking care of him, and thinking the whole thing was a dream. Then he decides he’s hungry and woozily goes in search of food. Next we see Doug, he has become a velociraptor and is hunting evil men who attack hookers in a park.
Honestly, the whole thing is pretty hilarious.
The film clearly knows its ridiculous but I sometimes felt it didn’t realize just how ridiculous it was being. At parts you could tell the film was trying to tell a joke, or subvert a trope, but it either beat the joke to death or didn’t quite make it clear enough.
But the story of how The Velocipastor got made is actually kind of funny in and of itself, with the director misspelling velociraptor on his phone and it auto-correcting to “Veloci pastor”. A trailer for the film went viral and confirmed to Brendan Steere (director) that it was a fun/funny idea that had an audience.
And the Velociraptors?
Unfortunately, if you’re watching this to see cool velociraptors, pick apart the accuracy of their depictions or behaviors, or even try to learn something, you’ll be sorely disappointed. The creature we see in the DVD jacket (this movie went to DVD!!), is probably the best representation you’ll see, and what’s actually shown in the movie is far worse. Just look at it for a moment:
Sigh. This movie supposedly had a 35k budget (higher than I though although still probably very low for a movie), and considering how many actors and actresses were in it, I’m amazed they accomplished as much as they did on that sum, but if asked, I can think of a few places in which I’d have made cuts in order to throw more money at the dino (looking at you Father Stewart’s Vietnam backstory). Honestly, we all know I’d only give money to the dino which probably would not have bought much at all, but hey, I’m not a film person.
So Recommend?
Honestly, yes. If you like movies like Sharknado, or even understand the appeal of them, you’ll probably enjoy this movie. There were definitely parts that made me cringe to watch (soo much maniacal laughter from the villains whyee!), but also parts that genuinely made me laugh out loud, like pretty much anything that the Frankie Mermaid says. Also, there were some moments of surprisingly poignant satire/commentary, like when Doug says something to the effect of “I don’t believe Dinosaurs exist, how can I be turning into one?”
I pretty much died on that one.
Anyway, if you’re into terrible movies, give this one a shot. Like most things in life it probably will and won’t disappoint you at the same time.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Has anyone watched this? What are your thoughts? What were your favorite moments? I think some of the books about dinosaurs in the movie were real. Anybody read any of them? What’s your favorite Frankie Mermaid quote? What should we expect from a sequel? (yup they’re making a sequel!)
Leave your thoughts in the comments. See you next time!
alligators and aneurysms! 